30 Fun Old People Jokes That Can Be Appreciated By Everyone (2024)

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“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.

Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks,

"Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.

"Medicine for rheumatism?"

"Definitely," he says.

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

"Yes, the works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

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"To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.

"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"

The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."

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"She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "You know what kills me ... ?" Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing."

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An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home.
After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.
“You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience I’ve ever had.”
His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.
Frank replies “Um… Ugh… I can’t remember.” After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, “Hey, wait, what’s the name of that, that flower?"

"A tulip?"

"No, no, no, the... the red one, you know, with... with thorns.”

“A rose?”

“Aha! Yes! Thank you!”

“Rose?” he calls out to his wife, “What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend?"

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"My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head.

He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"

After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."

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"One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." —Arthur Bland

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"Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?"

"They sure are," I said with pride.

"They adopted?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “A lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

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"Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately."

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"After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

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An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: “Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!”
Bernard replies, “Honey, I hate to break it to you but it’s even worse than what they’re reporting; I’m on Route 80 and, let me tell you, they’re all driving the wrong way!”

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"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"

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An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it. He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing. He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He goes downstairs and yells “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer. He enters the living room and yells again “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells “What's for supper?” and still, no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks “Honey. What's. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says “Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”

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"I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."

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"My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."

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"In the hardware store, a clerk asked, "Can I help you find anything?" "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." — Leslie McRobie, Lee

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"The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said "Now take off your arm."

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"For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.

"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."

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John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

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A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

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"We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."

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"Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

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"When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked.

"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?"

"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"

"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.

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"I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it.

"You mean I have to look at this for the next four years?" I jokingly said to her.

"Don't worry about it," she replied. "In four years it'll look good to you."

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"Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own." —Mria Murillo

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"While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” — Sharon McGinley

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"One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"

"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.

"That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."

"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do."

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"The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. "How old are you?" a tenant asked. "I’m 81 years old," he answered. The tenant shook her head. "They sure grow up fast, don’t they?" — Thomas Clements

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"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.

"It's my passport picture," she revealed.

"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"

"Walgreens," she replied. "

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